I literally cannot afford to continue eating the way I’ve been eating. My husband and I are eyeing our finances with doubt that we will ever get to the place we need to be to buy a house. The reason? We blow $1000 or more a month on “shrug.” I don’t blame myself for all of the spending, but my husband doesn’t have a binge-eating disorder. He’s of normal weight and has generally normal eating habits. So all the food-related charges on the credit cards? Me.

All the clothes purchased at Goodwill because I’m not satisfied with my ill-fitting wardrobe? Me.

On Friday I ate a coworkers last bagel out of the fridge at work. He was home sick and I thought I’d have no trouble replacing the sesame bagel over the weekend. Unfortunately, I forgot until this morning. So I drove to a convenience store and bought him breakfast for $5.29. Instead of a $0.65 bagel I could have purchased at the grocery store, I got myself into a bind because I had a binge-craving on Friday. If I hadn’t eaten his bagel, I wouldn’t have had to blow five dollars this morning in breakfast for him. Multiply this kind of thing on repeat for a month at a time, and it’s no wonder we’re tapping our savings account to pay off the credit cards.

I am deeply ashamed and downtrodden about this. Shame and guilt aren’t useful emotions, but I have to admit them to myself. I am out of control even if I seem more in control than I’ve ever been. The fact is, I’m not. My eating is deplorable. My spending has gone chaotic. I need to reel it in and come down to earth. I’m not keeping any of my promises to myself.

I thought I’d take some time to make an inventory or “wish list” of habits and changes I’d like to make over the next year. It’s a lofty list, to be sure, but it’s important that I at least put my desires out into the universe.

Lofty Wishes for My Early Thirties

1. Brush my teeth twice every day.

2. Exercise 1000 minutes a month (approx 30 minutes a day).

3. Drink 10 16-oz. glasses of water a day.

4. Buy groceries on Sunday and not purchase another food-related item until the following Sunday.

5. Hike Camel’s Hump (duh).

6. Make do with the clothing I have until I am a full (and I mean FULL) size smaller and things are inappropriately falling off of me.

7. Bring my blood pressure into a reasonable range.

8. Practice yoga twice per week.

9. Take a kick boxing or martial arts class to help with my stress.

10. Try Pilates. Just try it.

11. Finish reading my meditation book and practice it.

12. Take a pottery class.

13. Work on my art projects.

14. Get my etsy shop up and running again.

15. Ride my bike instead of drive. (My parents will now be a flat ride all the way to their house. There’s no reason I couldn’t ride my bike the three miles to their house).

16. Don’t wimp out with the cross-country skiing. It’s okay if I fall down. Snow is soft.

17. Snowshoe!

18. Begin exercising in the morning.

19. Work my way up to one full hour of exercise every day.

20. Strength train (using the routine provided to me by my trainer) 3 x per week.

21. Record everything I eat.

22. Journal, journal, journal. Stop avoiding my brain.

23. Do the dishes every night after dinner. This helps to keep the kitchen light and will make it easier to cook if the pans aren’t dirty in the sink.

24. Don’t be afraid of vegetables.

25. Every meal does not require cheese as an added ingredient.

 

I’m going to stop there, because if I keep going it will start to look like a litany of every bad habit or thing I hate about myself right now. I need to also focus on the good things. A wish list is just that. It’s something to aim for.